Look Through My Eyes (from Brother Bear)

Whew.  I only have the title of this blog post and I am already crying, so that either means my ideas will come out with power and meaning, or most likely, they will come out as a random emotional mess.  Best of luck as you read this(:

Wow.  I think about where I was a year ago, and for so many reasons, I am glad I am not there.  Because lets just be honest, having heart surgery isn't exactly high on my "top things to do in life to bring fun and excitement list." I don't actually have that list, but if I did, it wouldn't be on it.  Aside from the fact that I'm not really a fan of surgery/hospitals, the biggest reason that I am glad I am not at Duke like I was a year ago is this:

I am here.

Here doesn't mean in a darling little clerks office in a church in Lumberton, although I am incredibly attached to Lumberton.
Here doesn't mean that I get to wear a black name tag, although I REALLY love that.
Here doesn't mean being with an incredible companion in a fabulous district in an amazing ward. (Do you get that I really love Lumberton-because I do)
Here has nothing to with where I am, what I am doing or who I am with.  It simply has to do with the fact that I am moving forward.  Which really is worth celebrating.
Growth and change mean that there must be a Savior who makes all things possible.  Without a Savior who suffered all things for us, we, I, would be eternally stuck.  Unable to move past hard things and mistakes.  But we are not stuck, we are beings who change and grow and learn. One of the biggest things I have learned in the last year is how incredible a deep relationship with Heavenly Father can be.
This week my mind has often gone to "where I was a year ago" and I remembered the moments. Thursday night in preparation for a meeting the next day, Sister Carlile and I adventured up to Hope Mills .  As we drove, we listened to Disney music and this song came on and brought tears to my eyes.  The Spirit often speaks to me through music and this I felt as if this Disney song, from a movie which I don't actually like very much, knew exactly how I felt.  These words represent to my imperfect human mind a little bit of what my Heavenly Father has taught me in the last year.

Here are some of the words that I just love:

There are things in life you learning
And, oh, in time you'll see
It's out there somewhere, it's all waiting
If you keep believing

So don't run, don't hide
It will be alright
You'll see, trust me
I'll be there watching over you

Just take a look through my eyes
There's a better place somewhere out there
Just take a look through my eyes
Everything changes, you'll be amazed what you'll find
There's a better place if you look through my eyes

There will be times on this journey
All you'll see is darkness
But out there somewhere daylight finds you
If you keep believing

All the things that you can change
There's a meaning in everything
And you will find all you need
There's so much to understand

During the last year, my whole life actually, the Lord has been lifting my vision.  He has shown me how much I can do when I rely on Him.  He has shown me the darkness and reminded me of the sources of light He has given me through His Son, Jesus Christ.  He has shown me through incredible amounts of tender mercies that He is involved in my life.  He has reminded me over and over again to stop worrying, take a deep breath and remember that it is His plan, not mine that brings perfect happiness.  He has spoken to my heart and my mind through song, scriptures, other people and feelings to trust Him, because it truly will be all right.  The Savior taught, "I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life."
Yes, sometimes life is hard and unexpected things happen which cause us to walk in the dark, but isn't there so much comfort in knowing that there is a much bigger plan and that what appears to us to be devastating and destructive is actually full of blessings and growth and light?
And while those hard things in life aren't on my imaginary "top things to do in life to bring fun and excitement list." they are on my actual "blessings from my Heavenly Father' list because they are teaching me how to be like Christ.  The tears of sadness and worry I cry aren't nearly as numerous as the drops of blood in the Garden of Gethsemane, the burdens I carry aren't nearly as heavy as His cross, and the pain I experience is no where close to the agony of Crucifixion.  I will never fully know the agony and misery of those events, but one day, and a little bit more everyday, I come to know more perfectly the hope that comes from a Savior who rose from the tomb.   I'm not perfect, but I am trying to be like Jesus, and that is bringing the sweetest blessings and so much hope and light into my life.

I love y'all(:

Here is a link to a wonderful talk about hope and light and trials and all that good stuff(:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/the-hope-of-gods-light?lang=eng#8-10785_000_41uchtdorf
Also, since I am a missionary, I can't link to the song...but I am sure if you google it you could find it.  Google is good like that(:

Master, the Tempest is Raging-A story about a Snickers bar(:

Hi!  Welcome back to my crazy ramblings with song titles(:
I hope by the end of this, that the title makes sense, to someone other than me.

Master, the tempest is raging! 

The billows are tossing high!

Master, with anguish of spirit I bow in my grief today.

The depths of my sad heart are troubled.

There was a day this week where I felt like those words describe, like the waves where high and I was being tossed every which way.  I was tired and emotional and ready to be done with the current storms.  As we went grocery shopping, I saw that the Snickers bars were on sale.  

I really love Snickers bars. 

I got the snickers and thoroughly enjoyed it.  However, once it was gone, the promise on the back was still unfulfilled. 

My heart still carried the heavy burdens of all that was going on, and I was far from "satisfied."

 I felt a little silly as I got on my knees and told my Heavenly Father of my disappointment in this, I told Him of my concerns, of my fears, my worries and my hopes.  The words that came into my mind were these, 

Peace, be still.

Whether the wrath of the storm-tossed sea

Or demons or men or whatever it be,

No waters can swallow the ship where lies

The Master of ocean and earth and skies." 

A sweet reassurance that all things will be okay, and not just okay, but wonderful.  I felt the Lord telling me, and probably laughing a little, that He offers so much more than a Snickers bar to satisfy me.  As I watched throughout the day and the week, these are some of the things that have "satisfied"

A package from someone who knows me too well to know that I would need kit-kats, markers and glue sticks, but more than that, brought a whirlwind of happy mission memories to mind.  

I found it in the words of my scriptures, which truly are my friends. 

I found it as I served the people I love here. 

I found it as I created things to bring comfort to others from the words of scriptures and prophets.

I found it as I asked for a Priesthood blessing.

I found it as I talked to someone I have truly come to love.

I found it as I sang hymns.

I found it when I prayed and listened.

I found it through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, which makes repentance and forgiveness possible, but also make peace and happiness possible. 

   Master, the terror is over.
The elements sweetly rest.
Earth's sun in the calm lake is mirrored,
And heaven's within my breast.
Linger, O blessed Redeemer!
Leave me alone no more,
And with joy I shall make the blest harbor
And rest on the blissful shore.

I learned a few things this week.

Never seek things of the "world" to calm a troubled soul

Prayer is never the wrong choice

All things are made right through the Atonement.  All things.

Peace and joy are found in the journey, not at the end. Or in a Snickers bar(:  

I heard this talk again this week and loved it!

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/04/lord-i-believe?lang=eng

And, as always, here is the link to the song! 

https://www.lds.org/music/library/hymns/master-the-tempest-is-raging?lang=eng

Themes and Thoughts (I'll never be the same)

It is crazy that in a few hours it will be 2015.  2014 will be over.  I am not entirely sure how I feel about that.  I can say this though:

I'll never be the same.

I know, cheesy, but really.  2014 brought some of the hardest moments I have ever experienced.  

In January, when I sat in Relief Society with my mom, we sang, "I believe in Christ" This part stood out to me: 

I hadn't picked my 2014 theme yet. 

Side note:  I started choosing a yearly theme in 2013.  2013's theme was "Come what may and love it" which proved also to be extremely fitting.  

Back to Relief Society.  I hadn't picked a new theme yet and I was hesitant to let go of the one I had come to love from the year before.  This line, however, brought tears to my eyes.  I was preparing to leave my family and it was becoming more and more real. The idea that since I believe in Christ, I can handle whatever comes seemed perfect.  And, it fit hand in hand with my previous theme.  2013 I learned to be happy.  2014 I was choosing to exercise faith.  

By the time I left on January 29th, I thought that the trials of the past year, of health struggles especially, were over.  I thought that I would be relying on the Savior to help me get through slammed doors and companion struggles and that was pretty much it.  I was so wrong.  As the days progressed, I realized that this theme was going to help me through more, sure it helped through slammed doors, but it helped through homesickness, through scary days at Duke, through having my heartbroken over someone I just met not being able to be baptized, through biking through cold and rain and up hills, through intense conversations and lessons, through more scary days at Duke, through ending my mission early, through being home and then through returning, through transfers and more doctors visits.  

But hey, I made it.  Because I believe in Christ, so come what may.

Please don't read all of those "throughs" as depressing.  My year was incredible.  Honestly and truly.

I relied on my Savior and I grew.  I grew and changed and I honestly couldn't be happier.  I met incredible people, I relied on their strength, I made memories and more memories.  I developed a relationship with the Holy Ghost.  I felt my Heavenly Fathers love.  I learned the importance of covenants, especially Baptism and taking the Sacrament.  I felt the power of the Priesthood.  I learned to pray, really pray.  I witnessed miracle after miracle, just like the ones I read about in the scriptures.  My testimony of the restored gospel was strengthened and deepened to a new level.  I have learned about the enabling power of the Atonement, as well as the redemptive power.  I have found peace during conflict and faith during times of fear.  I have seen God's hand in my life, over and over.  My belief that there is a bigger plan for us has been proven time and time again (as well as my belief that God has a sense of humor).  I have learned new uses for paper airplanes, pepper and dish soap and plastic cups.  I have laughed and laughed.  I have felt the Spirit work through me, and honestly, that is one of the best feelings in the world.  I get to be a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and a representative of Jesus Christ.  I have learned and grown and smiled and cried until I was completely exhausted, and then I found strength in my Savior and kept going.  I am truly grateful for 2104.  

I am also really excited for 2015.  Seeing how fitting the last two years themes have been, this one makes me really happy.  I have prayed and pondered and then chalked it:

My hopes for 2015 include more joy in the service of my Savior, not just as a missionary, but in developing a life long habit of finding joy in His service.  I have 9 more months with His name on my chest and I want to make the very most of them, and then continue to make the most of my life. Because I don't just owe Him 18 months, as I learned this year, I owe Him everything.

This video is to the song, "I'll never be the same" and the words couldn't be more perfect.  I cried making this video, because my heart is so full with love for the people in it.  Thank you, and if you're not in the video, thank you also, because sometimes the things that mean the most aren't captured by my camera(:

    

Come, Come, ye Saints

The summer before my Sophomore year of High School, I was lucky enough to be able to spend some time in Wyoming, in a pioneer dress, pushing and pulling a handcart.  The first night we were there, it became very stormy, and we gathered in the luggage trailers to watch our tents blow across Wyoming.  As we stood in these trailers, we began to sing this Hymn.  As we sang the words, "gird up your loins, fresh courage take, our God will never us forsake", I felt the power of our words and knew that those before us had found strength in this hymn, just as we did.  In that small trailer, standing shoulder to shoulder with other wet teenagers, the Spirit testified to me that throughout my life, these words would apply to me.

Okay, so I wrote that first paragraph in June... It is now October... Maybe one day I will finish this post.  This song is so incredibly sacred to me, I don't even know where to begin.  On March first of this year I wrote this in my journal:


"Today with Sister H we sang 'Come, Come, Ye, Saints' We all cried.  The part that killed me was 'gird up your loins, fresh courage take, our God will never us forsake, and soon we will have this tale to tell, all is well, all is well.'  the idea of girding up, renewing my courage and remembering God, then knowing soon these days will just be a tale to tell, of tale of all being well.  Now matter what anyone says, where I serve or live or anything else.  All is well."

That day in Wyoming and that day in North Carolina this song changed my perspective.  I want to share with you some of my thoughts regarding yesterday in this perspective.

On October 13, 1996 my life changed.  First, let me say this with all the energy of my heart, ALL IS WELL.  Seriously.  I love my life, and that is largely because of what happened 18 years ago.  My earthly mom became my heavenly mom.  My mom passed away.  But something I have learned from my dad is that this is not a tragedy.  It is the greatest blessing my Heavenly Father ever gave me.  It gave me perspective on life, on family and on God and my Savior.  Because of this day and everyday since, I know God lives.  Tragedies do not deny His existence, they prove it.  The very fact that joy and tragedy coexist proves to me that there is a God, that He loves us and sends us blessings.
The first and biggest blessing that came are these people:

 My Daddy.  He teaches me about life, about hard days and good days.  He is my very best friend and that is largely because he and I shared losing my mom and more importantly shared finding my mom together.

My Mom.  While she may not be the one who gave me life, she is definitely the one who has showed me how to live it.  She and I have had ups and downs like all moms and daughters, but she is my mom.  She loves me and I love her.  We laugh together and she is one of my biggest supporters as I serve the Lord.  I hope one day to be like her. 

These kids.  Goodness I love them.  Jared is my hero, to me, he exemplifies everything that the Stripling Warriors were like.  He is good and kind and true to what he knows is right.  He is the best brother and I miss talking late at night to him about his middle school drama(:  Leah is what my Heavenly Father sent me to keep me laughing.  She is spunky and sweet and I am grateful that she and I got to spend so much time driving to and from Gymnastics.  She is becoming a beautiful young lady, who will do and does much good.  Jessica...sweet Smess.  She taught me how to love.  She taught me what it means to love and helps me recognize charity.  She is the perfect addition to our crazy sibling gang.  I love her.  These three are my best friends and biggest fans.  I love them and am so grateful that God blessed me with them, a blessing only possible through my moms death. 

My mom.  She gave me life and that is something I will forever be grateful for, but more then that she is serving alongside me.  The sweetest part of being a missionary is knowing that I have help from beyond the veil, I have her help.  I am grateful for the examples of two missionary mothers, earthy and heavenly.   

Three crazy extended families.  How lucky am I?  I have six of the best grandparents in the world who love me.  Together I have over 160 people who love me, who cheer me on and who teach me of Jesus Christ.  They show me what true strength is and why eternal families are going to be a blast.  99 of them I would not have had if my family hadn't gone through some hard things.

I think the biggest blessing of it all however is my relationship with the Savior.  He is the only reason I can say that all is well.  It is.  Just like the song teaches, "soon we will have this tale to tell, all is well."  18 years ago my mom died.  15 years ago I got a new mom.  14 years ago I gained an example. 12 years ago I got a best friend and adventure sidekick.  9 years ago I got a best friend and snuggle buddy.  8 years ago I got a pacemaker.  4 years ago I got a new start at a new school.  1 year ago I got a white envelope that changed my life.  9 months ago I left my family for the first time.  1 month ago I left them again.  Because of Him, this is all a tale to tell, and not just a tale, but a happy victorious tale.  A tale of joy, of eternal families, of repentance, of change, of hope and love.  A tale that I am totally in love with.  My story is my very favorite because I am not the star, my Savior is.  Through Him I find the strength to do all things, hard and easy.  Jesus is the Christ.  He is the only way, and as we walk His path we find the strength like those pioneers who crossed the plains so long ago to say All is Well.  All is Well.  As we gird our loins with strength and take courage all truly is well.


Here is a link to this song!
https://www.lds.org/music/library/hymns/come-come-ye-saints?lang=eng
And a neat discussion about the history behind it!
http://www.mormonchannel.org/history-of-hymns/16

If you have any questions about anything that I post, please message me on facebook or comment here!  I would love to answer ANY question(:  Thanks for reading!  Please share it!

Dear Violet

Dear Violet,
Eight years ago today I had my pacemaker placed.  What a crazy ride it has been since then.  Yesterday as I visited you, the sweetest two year old who just had a very similar, but more intense surgery, I reflected on this journey.  Now my emotions are a little extreme tonight as I come out of another (minor) surgery, but I couldn't let today past without writing these thoughts.  I know your just two, but maybe one day this will matter to you, maybe not.

Having my pacemaker placed changed my whole life.  Today as I was going over medical history with a nurse before they removed a tumor from my hand, she asked me, "if you knew all that you know now about what would happen after you got your pacemaker, would you do it again?"  I had to think for only a second before answering yes.  I would.  Here are some of the things I have learned:
God gives hard things to people who are tough enough.
The only way you are tough enough is through the Atonement of Jesus Christ
When you fell like blessings are being denied you because of your situation, just hold on, the blessings will come more abundantly then you could ever imagine.
The very best medicine is laughing
Let your family love you
It is scary sometimes, remember your Heavenly Fathers words, "Be not afraid, only believe" and "Fear not little flock"
The priesthood is powerful, seriously.
So is prayer
When you hurt, when they have to replace parts of your device, when you get poked or shocked remember that your Savior has felt it all.  Turn to Him, that is where you will find peace.
This is not a punishment, but rather an opportunity to receive choice blessings from a Father in Heaven who loves you.

Sweet Violet, by the time you are old enough to understand this, you will have no idea of who
I am, but I will always remember you.  I think that maybe our Heavenly Father asks two year olds to fight the toughest battles, but guess what?  We will win our battles.  And one day, we will be resurrected, without pacemakers, but I think I might want to keep my scar, it reminds me of who I am and of my Savior.

As I painted your nails, made you giggle and fed you I enjoyed every minute of your beautiful smile.  Keep smiling, keep praying, keeping sharing your sass.  You have an amazing family, thanks for sharing your mom with me for more then one trip to and night spent at Duke.  If you ever doubt Gods love, look at your family, they are truly Christlike.

You're in for a tough ride little one, just buckle in and laugh through it all.  There are more happy days then sad to come, more nights spent in a happy place then in a hospital bed, more opportunities to learn and grow.  More joy to be found in Gods plan for you.  I love you, you are tough, you are part of the great pacemaker club and you are a daughter of God, and really? does anything else matter?
I love you!
Love, Sister Jacobson(:

P.S. I have found lots of peace in this quote:

“From the limited perspective of those who do not have knowledge, understanding, or faith in the Father’s plan—who look at the world only through the lens of mortality with its wars, violence, disease, and evil—this life can seem depressing, chaotic, unfair, and meaningless. …
“Many do not appreciate that under His loving and comprehensive plan, those who appear to be disadvantaged through no fault of their own are not ultimately penalized. …
“There are many kinds of challenges. Some give us necessary experiences. Adverse results in this mortal life are not evidence of lack of faith or of an imperfection in our Father in Heaven’s overall plan. The refiner’s fire is real, and qualities of character and righteousness that are forged in the furnace of affliction perfect and purify us and prepare us to meet God.” -Elder Cook

We Meet Again as Sisters

okay, confession, I don't think I knew this song even existed until three minutes ago. But, hey, lds.org is great like that and has an awesome search feature and all of the hymns have a music and vocals feature so we can learn new songs and find new blog titles to match the thoughts in your head. See, the church really can solve all problems(:


Today on my Facebook I saw something that hit me hard. It was this:

In case those words are too small for you, here is Elder Hollands letter to you.

Dear Sisters:As the general women’s meeting approaches, I have thought a lot about you. I feel a tremendous sense of gratitude for the women in our families, our Church, and our communities. You all have your own needs and concerns, yet you reach out so compassionately to those around you. That is the true mark of discipleship.Life is not easy. Challenges can seem everlasting, but whatever your burdens—and no matter how frequent your challenges—Jesus Christ understands you. He can heal you from the wounds of life and help you bear your burdens. I hope and pray that our meeting together on September 27 will help you feel Christ’s true love for you. I will see you there.
Okay, how awesome is that? An apostle of the Lord, a special witness of Jesus Christ invited you and all of the women you know to the General Women's Meeting this Saturday. It is at 6:00 p.m. mountain daylight time (that means 8:00 EDT)

As I read Elder Hollands words I was overcome with a sense of awe. As women, we are powerful. Something that I struggled with when I first came out on a mission was the transition from young womens to Relief Society. I loved being part of young womens. I was part of something powerful, something with so much potential and ability to do good. As I attended the first General Women's meeting in March, I realized that that power and potential was not about being 12 to 18. It was about being a woman, a Daughter of God. Reading Elder Hollands letter I immediately thought about the numerous women in my life who exemplify this. I am truly honored and humbled to be able to join the throng of women and girls who gather this Saturday to worship, to love, and to feel God's love. I echo Elder Hollands promise that as we gather, burdens will be lifted.

As you listen to these messages on Saturday I hope that you will follow the promptings you receive to share your thoughts and the message of God's love. This meeting of sisters extends beyond just latter day Saint women and to all of God's daughters. Gather the women you love and admire and share this night with them and keep sharing your knowledge and goodness, because together, we will make all of the difference.

If you would like to attend with Sister Eastwood and I, we will be at the Morrisville meetinghouse at 8:00 p.m. or join us for Ice Cream before at 7.

6011 McCrimmon Parkway
Morrisville, North Carolina
(If that is a little too far for you, just know I will be thinking of you often as I watch(: )


here is that song: It is worth reading the words(:
https://www.lds.org/music/library/hymns/we-meet-again-as-sisters-women?lang=eng


Two articles about the broadcast! Read and share!
https://www.lds.org/church/news/leaders-hope-general-womens-meeting-strengthens-sisterhood?cid=HPWE092414438&lang=eng
https://www.lds.org/church/events/september-2014-general-womens-meeting?cid=HPTU092314434&lang=eng

Be Not Afraid (not a song today, I get bored easily...)

Ready for some crazy adventure stories?
Sister Eastwood and I pretty much are adventure magnets(:  From frogs on the windshield, crazy old men, bike crashes, allergic reactions, riding in shopping carts, getting pulled over for not having our lights on all the way to last nights emergency room visit I absolutely love having her as my companion(:  Today on Facebook she challenged me to share my favorite scripture.  Here it is:

I love this short reminder.  I first fell in love with this verse and story during the summer of 2013.  As I served on seminary council we prayed to choose a theme for the year and this was one of the choices.  As I knelt in the forest of American Fork canyon I knew that this needed to be the theme, not just for that school year, but for me, for everything that was to come.  In that school year my whole future life plan changed.  I decided to serve a mission, to go to BYU and really decided what was important to me.  This scripture ran through my mind often.  Then I went on to what was to come next and again this scripture seemed to be on my mind often as I headed to the testing center, to tough friend situations or while saying goodbye to those I love.  I found it in the forefront of my mind as I walked away from my family, as I taught my first lessons as a missionary, as I talked to strangers and knocked doors.  I found in on my mind as I visited Duke, many times.  It seemed to scream at me as I got on a plane home, and then on one back.  I found it a chant this last week as I biked 15 miles in one day up some hills.  This reminder to be not afraid comes with a bigger reminder, of why I do not need to fear, I don't have to fear because of Jesus Christ.  He makes it all okay, always.  

Yesterday was one of the sweetest days of my life.  I got to see Josh get baptized.  (That is a story for another post) Sitting in the chapel, I was reminded of the many times I repeated this scripture as I talked to him or Amy.  Now they are on their way to being eternal family, because of Jesus Christ and their belief in Him.

I found myself seeing what faith can do yesterday as I watched my incredible companion struggle through a painful contact stuck behind her eye, an unhelpful visit to the urgent care and then heading to the baptism.  I was impressed by her attitude and determination all day.  Right before the baptism she asked the Elders for a blessing and demonstrated that she had that belief.  As soon as the blessing was over, the swelling on her eye and the pain were gone.  She had that belief and that belief or faith makes things happen.  After the baptism, we headed to the ER where again she amazed me with her faith and lack of fear.  She just gritted her teeth and dealt with painful eye digging.  She has an incredible testimony of the Savior and I know that that fuels her ability to act in total faith.  The contact came out and all is well(:  We had a blast in the ER by the way(: I love this picture.

Belief is powerful.  It allows us to do hard things, like life.  Jesus is the best.  Because of Him we don't have to be afraid.  We don't have to do it alone.  Jesus will always be there, like He reminds Jairus in Mark 5, He is in charge and as we trust in Him, all things will always work out.  

Here is the video of Jairus daughter story

http://www.mormonchannel.org/bible-videos?v=1840930952001

And here is a link to my companions version of last night(:

seekingabetterworld.blogspot.com 

(the link is in the side of my blog too(: )